I have a strong belief that with greater intimacy, greater shadow gets revealed. Every close relationship I’ve ever had in my life has shown me this. Both in self and other.
Almost as if the the soul, after opening its heart, mind, and body to unprecedented levels says “ah, I can finally relax, and let my authentic self truly be known”...
By shadows I mean underdeveloped parts of us. Wounded parts. Distorted parts that life has not been kind to.
The parts we have trouble admitting to ourselves in private, and almost never admit to anyone in public.
Our unresolved emotional injuries. Our partial truths. Our big mistakes, and poor decisions. Our manipulations and strategies to get what we want. The patterns and kool aide we forced ourselves to drink as children in order to survive our environment. Our shit.
As I’m writing this I’m feeling deep shame in my body. As I think of my own shadows.
Of course deep shame is one of the ways my shadows stay in the dark. Festering and eroding my being from the inside out. Begging to be loved.
When I’m clear enough, I know these parts just need love!
I rush over to them and surround them with my biggest embrace. I let them cry, and kick, scream, and tell me why it hasn’t been fair, why it’s been ok for them to do what they have done. I choose to love and foster these parts. I soothe them with loving dialogue. “It’s alright, I get it. I still love you 100%”. I’m patient. I listen and validate, and point to an exit, in due time. I tell them it’s ok, and that forgiveness is something I’m willing to give day and night.
If I’m skilled enough at holding these parts, they release. Their turmoil recedes, and a divine space gets created in my being, or someone else’s. Literally real estate in the soul gets freed up. Sometimes a super power gets unleashed.
I had a client of mine today say “we can’t even look at ourselves in the eye anymore! We’re too ashamed of our true self.”
How apropos. Therein lies the opportunity.
When the love of intimacy grows larger than the fear of shadow, true wholeness awaits.
When the call to face ourselves in the muck grows larger than the drive to “look good” we can actually have ourselves.
We need courage here. To shift from blame, judging, and victimhood, to absolute personal responsibility. Complete ownership.
From an angry and entitled “You’re this... they’re that...” to a “this has me feeling... (or) I’m reminded of some pain from my past”.
From posture, superiority, and pride, to deep humility, true healing, and growth.
As a kid my mother always taught me to look for my part in a conflict. She taught me from a young age about my own shadow.
Say it with me now... “In any conflict, I always have my own part in it”.
If you’re gonna walk away from a relationship, you better be crystal clear what your part in it is, because you’re just going to repeat it with the next person you’re with.
Shadow work means I’m willing to face and deal with my experience without one word of blame or judgement towards someone else.
This isn’t about not having boundaries, or aims, or wants. It’s discerning my shit. It’s recognizing and being committed to liberating my wounds and deepest hurt. It’s living in a world where I admit that I, like everyone else, have shadow.
Whether it’s around money, or friends, family, or romance, or work, I’m 100% committed to healing and looking at my shadow. And I want you to as well. So we can stay intimate. So we don’t have to fire each other out of our lives when things get difficult.
Owning my shadow is a ticket to 100% empowerment. Instead of being a victim, I choose to be the author of my own life. Every single damn time, no matter what...